Katie Blog Post

I want to first say how excited I am that Rachel asked me to write a guest post on her blog-so, Rachel, thank you! My name is Katie, I am 24 years old and two of my favorite titles are "Mom" and "Wife"! I am wife to a wonderful man, Joe, who I have been married to for going on 4 years; and I am mommy to a ham of a 9 month old named Jace and also to 2 babies in heaven. 

As the saying goes, "mom life is the best life" and I wouldn't trade my life with my boys for anything. Still, though, it hasn't been the easiest road. The road to motherhood started out quite bumpy when we lost our 2 babies in 2014. It continued to be a rough one throughout my pregnancy with Jace after a blood clotting disorder diagnosis (which is why I lost our first babies). I had to give myself daily injections and the fear of losing him was terrible. When he finally got here on July 23 of 2015, I was able to breath a sigh of relief. We had made it and I couldn't have been more in love with our precious little rainbow baby.

The bumpy road wasn't over yet; in fact, it had just begun. I had heard of Postpartum Depression prior to pregnancy and I knew that because I have had so much experience with depression previously, my chances of developing PPD were higher. I thought, however, that since I was so aware of the potential that I'd be able to beat it before it really got to me. I was already on an antidepressant (that I was on throughout my pregnancy) but even that wasn't enough to keep the PPD away. 

Right after Jace was born, I didn't develop the "Baby Blues" that a lot of mothers get after birth due to crashing hormones and I was SO excited. Perhaps I had managed to beat any sort of depression before it even hit! It didn't last for long, tho, and about two weeks after Jace was born, I started feeling very sad and unable to control my emotions. I blamed it on the fact that Joe works nights and even with as much research as I had done about PPD, it took weeks until I realized that was what I was dealing with. In those weeks, every day was filled with crying, constant worry, fear of EVERYTHING (from failing as a mom to SIDS to things as silly as Jace's future girlfriends), and I never wanted to be alone. I was terrified of being alone with Jace because I sincerely felt like I was an inadequate mother. Every other week I would have a crazy breakdown and would call Joe hysterical asking him to come home from work early. As with most newborns, Jace wasn't sleeping and most nights I was going to bed well after midnight, pumping every couple hours throughout the night, and waking up by 7 to get ready for work. Even when I COULD sleep I was having trouble sleeping. I was running on fumes. After one particularly bad night where I called Joe sobbing because Jace was screaming and wouldn't go to sleep, I knew something needed to be done. That night, as I held a screaming Jace, I actually pictured myself shaking him and that was the point I knew what I was dealing with.

My psychiatrist was able to get me in to see him 2 days later and immediately I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. Even tho I had suspected that was what I was dealing with, I was relieved that it was official. I wasn't nuts. I wasn't a bad mom. I was sick and it wasn't my fault but there WERE things I could do about it. That was the point where things began to get better-not perfect by any means but better. We closely monitored my medicine and my moods and I began counseling days after officially being diagnosed. It took several months to finally feel like I was having more good days than bad and I had many "low lows" that had me contemplating ending my life, but I had a dream team of a support system and they made sure I was safe and okay every single day. Between my sweet husband, my parents, Joe's parents, and some other friends and family I was well taken care of every second I was in need. 

Altho I do have some "down" days and still do struggle with anxiety, I am pretty solidly on the other side of my PPD and looking back now, I am thankful for that storm. I've been asked if I feel like it negatively affected my relationship with Jace and to that I give the biggest "NO" I can. Every woman who faces PPD has a different experience and none is better or worse than the other, but me personally because of my PPD, I feel that my bond with Jace is even stronger. Throughout it all, he remained my focal point. My deep, intense love for him never wavered and because of that I kept going. On the days I felt like giving up, I kept going for him. He knew who his mommy was throughout all of it and the smile that lit up his face when he saw me every day made everything worth it. He WAS my happy in those dark months. Besides my strengthened bond with Jace, I learned what exactly I was made of. I persevered in a way I have never done before. I learned to let go of my control-freak nature and let people help me. I learned to let people love me and I learned that Jesus loves me unconditionally.

My heart hurts for any other woman walking thru PPD because it really is hell. We get in our head that motherhood is going to be beautiful and that we are going to be so enamored with our child that nothing else in the world will matter but sometimes (most of the time) that just isn't the case. Motherhood is hard-the hardest job in the world-but motherhood with PPD is a nightmare. It steals your joy and robs you of precious memories. My advice to any woman who even slightly suspects she may be dealing with PPD is this: Get help. Get help right away. Don't be shamed into silence and don't be embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with seeking out antidepressants or getting counseling. There is nothing wrong with needing a hand around the house or someone to watch baby so you can rest or do something for yourself. The sooner you accept your situation for what it is, the sooner you can be on the road to recovery and enjoy mommyhood! Never give up because our babies need their mamas! Nobody can be a mother to your child the way you can so take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby. Stay strong, mamas! Even the strongest of storms can produce the most beautiful of rainbows.