am I good enough?

Today was one of those day where I accidentally saw other human's lives on my sister's Instagram feed and now I'm questioning: "Am I enough?"

Am I enough at this whole mothering thing? I don't grow everything that my child eats in an organic garden in my backyard, nor do I have the MOST eco friendly materials in my home, and his room is anything but Montessori or Minimalist approved. Yesterday I barely made it through this whole mothering thing alive, I actually ran out the door the minute my husband came home to do some errands by myself {and I came home with another FISH-- but let's focus on the real problems here...}.
Am I good enough?

My husband and I are not Pinterest perfect. After almost four years together it's not surprising but we rarely dress up for dates anymore, or even take cutesy "laying around on the couch in my brand name sweatpants" photos. When we cook I usually end up getting distracted and Alex finishes making our meals. The one thing I do religiously for that man is vacuum the house twice a day so that his allergies are not bothered by my dog. That's pretty much it. I fail him in every other area of marriage/love and yet he's still right there next to me every morning in bed. I KNOW I'm not good enough.

Today I realized that criticisms from my past were entirely accurate...I feel appalled and broken. I feel like the past year and a half of growth {which this morning I could have told you I was so proud of} is just a waste and that deep down I'm still that selfish person and I'll never really ever change.

As I was sitting there mulling things over at my desk, my sister came up to me with a tax return to review and asked  me some questions about recording dividends. I answered her and then started to slip to my melancholy mindset. I tried to zone back in to my work, to pay attention to the bookkeeping and that's when I had an epiphany: I am not the same person I was. A year ago I would have blinked blankly had my sister asked me that question. I wouldn't have been able to help her. A year ago I would have freaked out to walk in and find three tax returns already on my desk needing to be reviewed and it would have taken me the better part of the day with my lack of knowledge, to accomplish all of them. Now I can have them done before lunch time and I actually enjoy the organizing, filing, copying, etc. I really am not the person I was.

And not just at my job, I am way more body confident, as well as spiritually confident in who I am as  a Christian. The amount of books that I've read in the last year on mothering, self love, Christianity have all shaped me into the person who I am today.

When I was that selfish human being I had no idea how to be anything else. I was living for me. I didn't care what people thought, I didn't have a care that I was representing {or said I was} Love, Himself. I did what I pleased, when I pleased. I hurt people who loved me. Now I don't do that {well, I do my best not to, I'm not perfect.}. Instead of pleasing people I am more tuned into my Bible and what it says about pleasing God. I am more selfish in the fact that I pay attention to how my body feels and I'm so much better at making more time for me.

I think the difference between now and then is that the question each day when I wake up isn't "Am I good enough?" the question is, "How can I be good enough?" I don't honestly think that I will ever be good enough to deserve this life that I live, and this family I have. But that's ok, because so long as I try my best for them, that effort in itself is good enough.

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