perfect timing

Moms are good at telling what time it is without opening their eyes. Our body clocks are finely tuned and perfected to be synchronized with astronomical clocks everywhere. Which, now that I think about it, is probably how my mom was able to bust all my late nights out in high school without ever even having to set an alarm.
I felt the sun getting up this morning, I could see the light behind my eyelids - gray getting lighter and lighter with a hint of gold. I heard Husband getting ready for work at what I guesstimated was around 8 am and rolled over on my side groaning at the monstrous effort that it took. He came over and brushed the crazy hair out of my face and kissed me lightly, "Hey baby, are you going into work today?" I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and shook my head. He sighed and I could feel the tiredness in his own body as he laid down next to me. He kissed the back of my neck and whispered, "Just rest." I bit my lip. Those two words summed up the majority of messages I got from people these days, but I don't think they have any idea how hard it is for me to sit and just rest. I don't rest. Well I don't rest well, especially not when there's things to be done, like getting babies born. 

After a few moments he got up and I heard the front door shut behind him as the key turned in the lock. Coast was clear. And the flood came. I'm not exactly sure why, where or how the tears came but they did. My first instinct was to shut them off, bottle them up and store them away for a much later date. Another part of me said that it was important to actually feel the feelings here in the now. So I let myself cry. It was rough and lasted maybe 3 minutes at the max, but it felt good. 

Overdue.

Something that I sympathized with but never related to - until now. 

As of today I am officially 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant with Baby Pancake, and I have to say these last 6 days have been awful. I haven't had any real regular contractions for almost 2 weeks and then when I finally did last night, they only lasted 3 hours which turns out was just enough to get our hopes up and then around 11 they tapered off. I was exhausted mentally more than physically as I choked down all the fears that were quickly escalating from me not ever going into labor to having to have a c-section and never again being able to deliver at the Birthing Center. And let's not even open that can of worms because I want to deliver there more than absolutely anything. 

It sounds weird. To write it all down and read it out loud. But that's also good I think. Sometimes the things that scare us most are just every day parts of life. It's what makes each person their own special version of unique. So even though I just sound absolutely hormonal and semi-crazy, this is a glimpse into what it's like to be in the last stages of pregnancy, to be struggling with the fact that while I'm ready mentally to have this baby I have to lean back and trust my body.

Maybe you've been there, counting the hours and minutes until meeting your baby earthside. Maybe you haven't in which case you are very, very lucky. 

Sitting here on the couch with my grandma puppy {who btw, is resting in the full knowledge and contentment that she is absolutely not allowed up on the furniture... except clearly when I'm having a bad day} drinking tea, and I feel more rested in my head space. I chalk that up to not having to parent a toddler this morning {he spent the night at Nana's just in case...}. Without Cubby here to demand my brain power I have had time to do all my yoga flows without being tackled and getting into God's Word without having to bribe my child into quietness with his own books. I realized I've really cut myself short of all that lately, telling myself it wasn't necessary. That I would be fine without it all. I was so very wrong.

The house is quiet and that's what my mind needs as it gets itself into a less muddled headspace. I write out in my journal all the feelings I am allowing myself to feel:
Frustration, exhaustion, impatience, etc.
And then I go and make a list of all things I am grateful for:
a flexible job, an excited Husband, supportive families, grandma puppy snuggles, lilac candles, and my new delicious hand soap I splurged on {something I would have never allowed had I not been over due}. As Ann Voskamp put so brilliantly,  "Nothing interrupts anxiety like gratitude."
I feel my heart beat slow and calm down.
The sun isn't quite breaking through the clouds but I feel more comfortable in the knowledge that when my body is perfectly ready I will go into labor and my baby will be born. And while it may not be the moment in time that I would have necessarily chosen, Baby Pancake will arrive healthy and happy. All in perfect timing.