My Tribe
2019 is the year of calling it the way I see it on relationships in my life. It's the year that I stop judging people for what they say with their mouths and instead take them up on the actions that they do {i.e. "We love and miss you guys so much, can't wait to see you!!!" -- and then there being zero efforts at communicating or even planning a get together.}. It's the year of accountability for the people in my life.
There have been so many connections in my life that didn't turn into what I had expected them to.
Friends that should have been sisters and aren't.
Teammates who should have stayed in touch and didn't.
Folks who are family but you really don't have any idea who they are, or what makes them tick.
Humans who just obviously have better people or things in their life than you and your friendship.
These are so disappointing and hurtful. It makes me wonder if I am worth loving. Because of these relationships that ended abruptly, I found myself second guessing what I bring to the table in a friendship. This of course snowballed into me questioning all the other healthy relationships in my life and if they were worth the time. It made me wish for a crystal ball so that I could peer into the next ten years and see who is actually going to still be here in my life. Because let's be real and honest here for a second, my Husband and Cub take up so much time, I don't have a lot left over for outside people. And I don't want my time to be wasted, no one does.
I used to get really mean and ugly with myself, doling out second chances left and right and then being taken advantage of over and over. After discussing it at length with a mentor, she suggested that instead of planning on and becoming disappointed with people, I save myself the emotional energy and just start ignoring what is being said and instead focus on what those people are actually doing. Are they reaching out to me every once in awhile? Are they following through on dinner plans that we make?
I also {finally} decided to make a change in the way that I viewed friendships and relationships. AND I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO BECOME OKAY WITH NOT BEING BESTIE BEST FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE WHO WANTED TO BE OR EVEN WITH THOSE PEOPLE THAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD BE. It's been rough. I don't let go of shattered dreams well. I'm an INFJ, we want our relationships to be deeper than the Grand Canyon and more complex than a chem major's PhD's thesis....so yeah, the bad news about me is that I can over project what I think I should be getting out of a relationship. But what's great is that I have surrounded myself now with people who make me more myself, and who have committed in small ways to being there for me in life.
I have a book club full of women who pray with me and I almost always leave our meet ups feeling heard and seen which are good for my soul. I have heard so many stories from them in the last two years. We come from so many different backgrounds. And because of our differences they give me new perspectives and deeper meaning to things that I have casually brushed over. We are collectively built up of women who are pursuing Christ {and coffee} with our whole hearts.
My Husband's friends who have baptized me into their group of hilarious shenanigans, which sometimes includes making me laugh so hard I throw up, almost dying on a jet ski from Caleb's driving, game nights ending in seeing who can ricochet the strawberry off the most objects and get it to land in someone's mouth and annual trips to lake for a catfish fry and sunbathing. When I see my Husband with his handcrafted family I see why he is the way he is. His humor, everything. There is no tribe quite like them. They have helped to raise him from the tender age of 10. They are his role models in hard work, in faith, in manhood. What would we do without them?
There have been so many connections in my life that didn't turn into what I had expected them to.
Friends that should have been sisters and aren't.
Teammates who should have stayed in touch and didn't.
Folks who are family but you really don't have any idea who they are, or what makes them tick.
Humans who just obviously have better people or things in their life than you and your friendship.
These are so disappointing and hurtful. It makes me wonder if I am worth loving. Because of these relationships that ended abruptly, I found myself second guessing what I bring to the table in a friendship. This of course snowballed into me questioning all the other healthy relationships in my life and if they were worth the time. It made me wish for a crystal ball so that I could peer into the next ten years and see who is actually going to still be here in my life. Because let's be real and honest here for a second, my Husband and Cub take up so much time, I don't have a lot left over for outside people. And I don't want my time to be wasted, no one does.
I used to get really mean and ugly with myself, doling out second chances left and right and then being taken advantage of over and over. After discussing it at length with a mentor, she suggested that instead of planning on and becoming disappointed with people, I save myself the emotional energy and just start ignoring what is being said and instead focus on what those people are actually doing. Are they reaching out to me every once in awhile? Are they following through on dinner plans that we make?
I also {finally} decided to make a change in the way that I viewed friendships and relationships. AND I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO BECOME OKAY WITH NOT BEING BESTIE BEST FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE WHO WANTED TO BE OR EVEN WITH THOSE PEOPLE THAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD BE. It's been rough. I don't let go of shattered dreams well. I'm an INFJ, we want our relationships to be deeper than the Grand Canyon and more complex than a chem major's PhD's thesis....so yeah, the bad news about me is that I can over project what I think I should be getting out of a relationship. But what's great is that I have surrounded myself now with people who make me more myself, and who have committed in small ways to being there for me in life.
I have a book club full of women who pray with me and I almost always leave our meet ups feeling heard and seen which are good for my soul. I have heard so many stories from them in the last two years. We come from so many different backgrounds. And because of our differences they give me new perspectives and deeper meaning to things that I have casually brushed over. We are collectively built up of women who are pursuing Christ {and coffee} with our whole hearts.
My Husband's friends who have baptized me into their group of hilarious shenanigans, which sometimes includes making me laugh so hard I throw up, almost dying on a jet ski from Caleb's driving, game nights ending in seeing who can ricochet the strawberry off the most objects and get it to land in someone's mouth and annual trips to lake for a catfish fry and sunbathing. When I see my Husband with his handcrafted family I see why he is the way he is. His humor, everything. There is no tribe quite like them. They have helped to raise him from the tender age of 10. They are his role models in hard work, in faith, in manhood. What would we do without them?
Alex and I agree that outside relationships are so impactful on our little family and one thing we have committed to doing this year is to find different people to hangout with each month, have them over for food, and get to know them better. It's so simple, in the paraphrased words of Jen Hatmaker, "If you can work a phone and make a pot of chili you can build your community." When it's put like that it takes the pressure off me to have everything around the house perfect and some gourmet recipe down pat. I'm pretty positive that not all of these little meet-ups will go over without a hitch, but I can tell you that I am so very excited to opening the doors of our home even wider and expand upon our tribe.
To sum up here is one of my favorite quotes about relationships:
"It is better to be loved than admired. It is better to be truly known and seen and taken care of by a small tribe than adored by strangers who think they know you in a meaningful way."
To sum up here is one of my favorite quotes about relationships:
"It is better to be loved than admired. It is better to be truly known and seen and taken care of by a small tribe than adored by strangers who think they know you in a meaningful way."
-- Present over Perfect
Shauna Niequeist
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